Passive intake
Yesterday, I read a book at the gym. Yes I am that individual hogging a precious seat in the packed, stuffy wooden rec. center. In my defense, I was early for a dance class, so I whipped out my book to pass the time. Back to the book---

It's an quirky self-help book by the awe-mazing Jill Badonsky which personifies creative attributes into "modern muses." So in the chapter about Aha-phrodite, the muse of paying attention, I'm instructed to quick list twenty "jewels of delight." I had to mentally list these since I neglected to bring a pen to the gym. I figured I'd share. You should share yours too.

1. My kindle, my digital library
   
2. Podrunner
   
3. Reddit
4. My memory foam pillow
   
5. A steaming mug of homemade chai, with tea leaves and herbs I can bite into
   
6. My book stand
7. Bookmarks
8. Notebooks with ancient entries featuring primary school poetry and secondary school angst
9. Friends who listen to what I say
   
10. Labmates who parrot stuff I say
    
11. Skype
    
12. Chutney, the most huggable stuffed giraffe
13. The awe manac
    
14. 24 hour Computer labs
    
15. Crispy Greek donuts under a blanket of warm peanut butter and nutella
    
16. Flourless chocolate cake
    

At this point, I got stuck thinking abt a truckload of decadent treats dipped in chocolate, drizzled in caramel, unbearably creamy arrrgh. I refused to cheat and list my 50 favorite dishes and desserts. I crossed out #16 and replaced cake with "friends across the world."

17. Boxes of mementos
18. Handwritten, homemade thank you/goodbye/hi/i love you cards
19. Family
20. Instructors who correct my form

Labels: TNMDMaaB

Super duper creeped out. I understand that I deserve part of the shame that is crushing my soul but I fail to comprehend how careless a guy can be.

I triple swear I will never ever again touch a stranger.

We had a comfortable arrangement. I thought we could trade texts and emails for a week and leave it at that. That was 6 days ago. Today, I receive an angry text saying this has to stop and how I made his ex cry. I appreciate the punctuality of our break but I really wish I hadn't made such a fool of myself. He clearly lied when he said he didn't care about her.

I love his word choice. He didn't make his ex-girlfriend cry by coming back to my room.
We didn't make his ex cry by staying in contact. I made his ex cry by responding to his texts. I don't understand why he had not deleted them if he KNEW he had a super overprotective ex.

I cannot believe that this guy has truly become my time sink. Either I am infactuated by him or plain boggled by his stupidity.

Now is probably a good time for a trip to the doctor and afterward dig a pleasant and deep ditch for my dignity.

I believe that today I learnt how to stop thinking. It was a big relief.

I wish to reduce the layers surrounding my life. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am enclosed in the biggest, most constricting bubble.

Life seems to make a little more sense as of late. However, life is hauntingly beautiful in my head. My ability to process information today was frighteningly quick. Now, I understand 3/4's (or at least think I understand) of what my professor and graduate students are discussing during lab group meetings. Simultaneously painful and exhilarating. I believe I have discovered that there is no upper limit on how quick an individual can process information. Processing it accurately is an entirely different question.

I wish to take 2 classes for fun. My definition of fun, as of late, has been "anything which seems to fry a person's brain, leaving them smarter but at the price of their sanity."


I hope I see reality soon and maybe drop my wishes so that their feet touch the ground.

I need to reduce clutter.

I need not be less messy. Just less prone to accumulating piles and piles of junk. Especially mental gunk. It has seriously reduced my brain's efficiency. Sort of like the rust that prevents the teeth of two neighboring gears to fit together like they used to. I know I used to be able to do algebra. At some point in time, I was also able to take a test without melting my brain from the unnecessary anxiety.

And before I learned how to worry or shoot down ideas, I definitely knew how to fall asleep and dream big.

There is a way to climb out of my mess of anxieties and to stand up to my nightmares.

Faith.

Now if I made this leap of faith- I would rise above all my insecurities right? If only.

I just want to stop creating negative scenarios in my head. No more please.

I just want my brain to work again, with the gears intact and in motion and whirring excitedly. Like before. Then maybe I'd be able to make sense of how I fell in love with my best friend.

The recent influx of badly written notes on facebook has been brought to my attention. Yes I understand that I am not a lone observer but I need to make a few points about 25 things.

1.What started off as a playful meme has escalated into a disastrous, sticky and unpleasant phenomenon.
2. I have read at least 3 notes written by an injured party. If you are sad, I'm sorry, but airing your dirty laundry is far from a pick me up. The solution is to throw it into the wash for heaven's sake- and spare your neighbours from the god awful musty stench of the past.
3. It's fine and dandy to say "yay i'm over my last mistake" but it remains completely ironic to painstakingly compose a note aimed at elucidating how you are having the time of your life *without* your ex.
4. Don't get my grumpy post wrong. I have read really really entertaining, hilarious, and even heartfelt 25 things and my friends wrote some pretty deep thoughts and dreams down. I just wish everyone else had done the same.
5. I end here because I believe that 5 is a nicer number than 25.

Labels: reflect