i have started work.

Such an odd statement isn't it?

Well, at the very least I don't do sophisticated work, a fact that is oddly comforting. It reminds me that deep down I'm still a kid. Who does tedious but $ati$factory work.

I've also met new friends. Who at the very least prevent me from eating lunch *God forbid* alone. And they're surprisingly nice and genuine compared to what I rudely expected at first. I actually need to be nicer to them. That's a first.

And I gained access to the employee gym. I just need to tap into my own head a figure out who I want to be. I have started with the process of elimination. I do not want to be the head of any waste disposal department. One down. A million and a half possibilities to go.

Labels: most unladylike release

I've graduated. *blinks

This is startling. I completely forgot this morning that I had graduated on the 31st of May 2007.

I was only compelled to think and obsess about the thorn in my heart. hmm not a good sign I suppose.

I can fix this. *proceeds to pick thorn out of pink heart, flings across field and trails into duck pond *plop

now we can watch the rippling surface and observe the ducks while it sinks into the shallow water.

Labels: amnesia

It hurts again.
Why? I ask. The only reply I receive is bitter laughter.

I don't even have dark humor. I want to stop worrying over the petty, to cease my nauseous streams of self-pity, and to halt any further occurence of entropy. In short, I set the most ambitious goals and then proceed to crash into the most painful depths of disappointment.

I have to pull the plug on my superflous and elevated tone. It's sort of my weakness? To hide behind big words, to turn my emotions into a complex labyrinth and thereby protect my heart? Not working. Nothing can insulate it from unintentional hurt.

I read it because of a deep longing. I read it to reassure myself that the event was an anomaly, a fluke, a lone, insignificant point on a scatter plot. And of course, by trying to prove that to myself, I suceeded in proving to myself that I keep no promises; and how bad I am at justifying an act of impatience. Maybe I really am programmed that way? Maybe I'm not. Keep this up and we'll find out soon. Very soon.

I can assure any curious reader that my skin is thinner than paper-thin dried fish strips billowing in the cool air conditioning.
And that my tone will probably remain this blown up, over the top, and unlady-like.

Labels: most unladylike release